Busy Bee

[ there would be a picture here ]

Are bees busy? Well, what I mean is, why do we perceive bees to be busy? Most bugs and bichos are notable for their state of activity rather than otherwise. Take the ant. Ants are industrious. But maybe they aren’t cute enough to enter popular colloquial speech? (Are bees are cute? Husband would argue otherwise, he has a major problem with the entire species (and anything else that speaks the same language – bzzzz) because he cycled into one once upon a time whereupon the unfortunate creature stung). Ants creep. Humans, generally, don’t really trust creeping things. Or is it simply the pleasing alliteration of the phrase? Well, in that case, maybe we could make a case for assiduous ants. After all, being busy doesn’t have to have a purpose.

(I’m going with alliteration, the French apparently don’t do bees).

Anyway, that’s a nice random paragraph, a classic case of my idiosyncratic mind in full operation, but there really needs to be a point to this post. I mean, you don’t come here just to read random wafflings about apiformes, do you? No, I didn’t think so.

The point that I’m trying to make, and may well do so eventually, is that I have been a busy bee. Or just a busy human. Very busy. And, of course, being busy has meant that I’ve also had to spend quite a bit of time recovering. That is why I have been absent. (Is absence usually associated with busyness? Hmm).

Life has calmed (hopefully) and I’m bored of being rather poorly and bed-bound so I might have recovered, in which case, blogging will resume.

Shortly.

Hopefully.

Maybe.

A Shot of the Good Stuff

There are downsides to blogging. You meet lots of new ideas. It’s happened before, I get led astray or someone makes me do something. This time it’s How Sweet It is‘ fault. She made me do it! Well, perhaps more accurately, there are some things that you have just got to try. I like experiments. I particularly like experiments that work. This was an experiment that worked and tasted absolutely scrummy. Win-win. The negative was finding out just how not-good-for-you Irish Cream probably is, the ingredients list includes condensed milk, evaporated milk and double cream! No wonder it’s so yummy!

It’s a lot thicker than the branded product, and stronger. We reckon that they must dilute it for commercial purposes! It pours like mud, goes down a treat and can and should only be consumed in small quantities. Fortunately, it keeps for weeks in the fridge.

Homemade Irish Cream. Isn’t blogging a wonderful thing?

(Or is a little learning a dangerous thing after all?)

Blog Updates

Pink Flower Portrait

As you may have already noticed, I’ve changed the ‘look’ of the blog. Although I did this entirely accidentally, I rather like the new effect and therefore have gone through updating the rest of the pages too, trying to strike a little more of a positive, confident note in places.

Let me know what you think!

The Other Questions

Three Crayons

As I said the other day, I answered the wrong questions when Emily gave me the Liebster award. So today, I’m back, hopefully answering the right questions this time. It’s also a nice excuse for a simple post after a long day and it might just stop me from crawling into my bed at half past six. Not good. Let’s ramble.

How do you balance your creativity with your life?

I’m realising that I’m not very good at this, in some ways I’m always creative in everyday life but on the other hand, creativity is also something that I feel that I should be embarrassed about and try to hide away. I also don’t risk trying to do things because I fear that I will fail. But whilst I may need to be a little more daring in some aspects of creativity, I’m the person to come to if you want an off-the-wall, out-of-the-box solution to a problem. Anytime.

Why did you start blogging?

Because I need to write, my head is bubbling over with ideas and thoughts and well, blogging gives me a space to release them. It’s also been a vital part of my confidence journey. Thanks for putting up with me.

Do you own more books in print or electronically?

In print, there are books everywhere. Including under the bed. I really don’t get people who take books to the loo with them though, eugh.

What kind of music do you listen to when you write?

Actually, I don’t. I find it too hard to concentrate otherwise; there’s too much going on in my head to add another voice or noise.

Which of your 5 senses would be the most devastating to lose?

Okeydokey, let’s just factor in the fact that I desperately need to wear both glasses and hearing aids and you’ll figure that I’m pretty much stuffed already. I’d hate to lose either of those totally, especially my sight. But after that? What have I got left anyway? Smell, touch … taste. Taste is good. I don’t smell (I hope!). So touch? Maybe my calloused fingers wouldn’t keep catching on my knitting then! (Or does it not work like that?)

What is the worst advice you have ever received?

Hm. I tend to ignore it eventually but it can have bad effects psychologically at the time. Maybe we could try directions? Useless directions really don’t help, you know. Like, oh, you can get a bus straight from the airport. Scratch that, there’s a transport strike. You could try walking a mile to the nearest train station and seeing if a train comes along. With all your suitcases.

What is the best advice you have ever received?

Live.

What food comes to mind when you think of “comfort food”?

Let’s not talk about the macaroni cheese, OK? I’ve got a rather physical conscience of that now.

Do you crave salt or sweet?

Usually sweet, if I crave salty stuff then something weird is going on. And I’m seriously over tired. But I prefer savoury foods like cheese (see above comment about macaroni cheese) to sweet stuff like chocolate. Maybe I could just have some cheesecake then? Mm.

What one thing are you most proud of from this past year?

I’ve got here. (Ooh, oops, just admitted to being Proud, I’ve definitely come a long way then).

What one thing to you most hope to achieve in the next year?

To get somewhere else on my journey.

How would you answer these questions? (Or the other ones!)

Getting My Head Straight

I’ve had a little wobble psychologically but my head is back on track now but I have so much that I could write about! (And, unfortunately, you can be sure that it involves knitting). Anyway, for the time being, I’m going to catch up with an award that the very lovely Emily over at My Pajama Days gave me. The title of her post just about sums it up, sometimes a little bit of recognition is like a splash of sunshine on a very bleak day. It cheered me up during my own wobble but I couldn’t quite deal with the formalities just then.

liebster-award-21

Being something of a pedant, even in other languages for which three years of schooling left little impression, I had to check the gender of liebster. My suspicions were right, it’s masculine. It should be meine liebste when addressed to a female blogger. Though I’m not sure whether many bloggers are in the habit of calling each other my dearest.

Anyway, pedantry over, I return to formalities.

I have to answer these eleven questions:

If I had a million pounds, I still couldn’t buy happiness.

What is the best gift you have ever received? Some would say life, but I value love more.

What inspires me? All sorts of things, all sorts of people. But I do need sunshine.

If you could have a “do-over” in life, what would you try to do differently? Regrets are one thing but if we could undo particular episodes of our lives and live them over, we could end up missing out so many of the good moments too. It takes a little rain.

What is something that most people don’t know about you? That I write! (You guys do though).

What is your favorite magazine? Magazines promise such a lot but tend to disappoint, I think it’s because I can read one in about half an hour. They don’t last, they’re kind of like a sugar high rather than anything substantial. I’ve had to give up food magazines because my box of recipe cuttings is now taking over the world (and cluttering my head) but my favourites are the Sainsburys’ Magazine (decide for yourself where or whether for the apostrophe) and the relatively new Vegetarian Living. As a teenager, the now defunct Vegetarian Good Food was a huge support and inspiration when I turned veggie-ish. I think knitting magazines however are pretty good value, you get dozens of patterns (which individually would cost the same each as the magazine) and even a free toy. I like free toys. And value. The Knit Now magazine is my current favourite, it’s done a lot for my confidence. (Hm, I can write quite a lot about magazines, not good!)

What is your proudest moment? I’ve spent a lifetime trying to avoid pride, the sinful kind with a capital P, so I can’t really answer this comfortably. Knitting occasionally does sneak prideful moments on me.

If your house was on fire, what one thing you would grab before getting out? Fire is one of my biggest phobias. The idea that something can consume and destroy everything in such a short time is unbearably painful for me to contemplate. When we were children, probably even preschoolers, my mother drilled us very thoroughly in what to do in a fire, it involved pushing a mattress out of the window and jumping out. (Fortunately due to variations in topography, this bedroom window wasn’t much further than three foot above the road). Evacuation didn’t involve grabbing possession. However as I also have a phobia of losing things, I would devastatingly conflicted in such an circumstance. It’s why I keep my backed up photos in a metal filing cabinet.

What are you most afraid of? Oh, pretty much everything.

If you could have any job, just for a day, what would you do? In such a fantastical world where clearly confidence isn’t a problem, I would write the book.

This is where I discover that I wasn’t actually meant to answer these questions but different ones. I’m sure that I’ve mentioned that I’m not good at reading through instructions (or patterns) before starting.

Anyway, I’ll do those another day, it’s nice easy blogging for bad head days.

Then I have to award it to another eleven (why are they so keen on eleven?) bloggers:

Jester Queen (because she adores awards)
Me, Mine and Other Bits
thekitchensgarden
The Sweaty Knitter (I’ve learnt so much from Karen Berthine’s blog!)
Susan B. Anderson (and from this one too!)
The Kitchen Witch
Rubber Chicken Madness
Little Cotton Rabbits (aren’t they gorgeous?)
theycallmejane
Happymaking Designs
thecvillean (if he survives!)

Feel free to answer either set of questions!

Here’s the second set:

How do you balance your creativity with your life?
Why did you start blogging?
Do you own more books in print or electronically?
What kind of music do you listen to when you write?
Which of your 5 senses would be the most devastating to lose?
What is the worst advice you have ever received?
What is the best advice you have ever received?
What food comes to mind when you think of “comfort food”?
Do you crave salt or sweet?
What one thing are you most proud of from this past year?
What one thing to you most hope to achieve in the next year?

If I’m Not Talking to You …

… it means that I have been attacked by gremlins.

For some reason, I have become unsubscribed to various blogs so if you haven’t seen me around for a while then please shove a link in your comment! I’m missing all of your words, honestly. It’s just that I’m a little slow to notice these things.

Do You Really Mean Me?

You know that thing people do when they’re not entirely sure if someone is talking to them or someone else, they look over their shoulder? I’ve been doing that a lot the last few weeks. Probably mixed with a bit of rabbit-caught-in-headlights too. You can’t seriously mean me? OK, you are. Panic, doubt, worry.

Losing one’s inner Voice should be a good thing but actually it’s slightly unnerving. Sure, I’m not feeling guilty all the time over everything (which in itself is kind of weird, partly because I can’t remember before the Voice, it’s been so long) but now I feel guilty that I’m not feeling guilty. Am I being insincere? Am I being uncaring? Am I being selfish? I’m not sure, surely I should feel terrible when someone goes out of their way for me or does me a favour? I don’t know. How do ‘normal’ people react and feel in these situations? I don’t know!

I feel a little lost at times, almost as if I’ve lost something as important as my compass or even my conscience. The ground beneath my feet isn’t quite where it used to be. And that’s going to take some adjusting to. A lot of adjusting to. Have you ever had a heavy load taken off you? You go all wobbly for a bit, it almost feels like you’re still carrying it sometimes. That’s what I’m like at the moment, unburdened but very unsteady.

But I think that I was living with an impossibly heavy burden because life and relationships are going so much better now that I’m not dragged down, swamped in paranoid guilt all the time. That kind of guilt, that level of guilt is crippling and it’s not sustainable. Although I seem to have been carrying it for most of the last two decades. It destroys your life and you.

Without it, I’m having to get to know myself all over again. The survival skills that have kept me alive all these years are turning into positive qualities, when I have the confidence to trust them and myself. I’m probably even coming across as outgoing. That’s weird, very weird.

Guilt has held me back too long.

Now I need to try to find a life without it. I’m still a little wobbly.

I’m working on accepting compliments American-style, that is graciously. Instead of guiltily and self-deprecatingly.

I’m having to dare, to dare believe in myself and my talents (still questioning whether I have any though!), to dare to dream.

If the present isn’t a burden and the past can be forgotten then the future is possible. I haven’t believed in a future for a very, very long time. It’s a little scary. So I’m just going to take it one day at a time.

So when I received an email asking me to guest post on a proper writers community blog, I did look behind to see if they did really mean me. Maybe they got the wrong email address or something? No, it was me, they’re talking to me. Cue rabbit-in-headlights. I can’t do that! I’m not good enough!

OK, deep breath. Accept graciously. Be accepted. Panic. What on earth can this little idiosyncratic waffler contribute?

More panic.

Decide to ignore it for time being.

Post idea slowly forms in head, doesn’t really want to be written down though because I’m probably blocking.

Deadline comes up rapidly.

Have to write post.

Why is that posts are never as good as when they were first drafted in your foggy head at some unsociable hour?

I get husband to proof the post, it would be mortifying if there’s a mistake in this one. This one post that introduces me to a world of proper writers.

Submit post.

Wait for post to appear.

Realise that with all the different time zones available, I actually don’t know when it’s going to appear.

Spend day anxiously checking website, fretting all the while.

Post appears.

Freak out.

Then grin.

I did it!

I have written my first ever guest post, it’s over at Studio30 Plus. Let me know what you think.

It’s been quite a journey.

Flapjacks for Al and Sunshine

The other day I made pink porridge. That probably didn’t surprise any of you. Strange things happen on this blog.

Al made a suggestion.

I thought ‘ooh’.

So I made pink flapjacks.

Plate of Pink Flapjacks with White Chocolate Drizzle

Pink Flapjacks

(They are not photogenic. My husband won’t touch them. They’re too soft. (Normally he complains that mine aren’t soft enough). I think they’re addictive. Everyone else ate them. Cheerfully. No one died. (Except Husband for rude comments)).

Again this is just oats and frozen fruits. Chuck them both in a pan and add a splash of juice. (I used orange because that’s what I had). I also added some vanilla sugar for flavour rather than sweetness. Heat until the fruit defrosts and it all blends together. Dollop in a generous quantity of honey. Mix. Pour onto a lined baking tray (or roasting tin)and spread out fairly evenly. I put it in a fan oven for twenty minutes at 180. After thirty minutes, I took them out. Simple!

It’s supposed to be a white chocolate drizzle on top but unfortunately in my uncoordinated hands, it became a white chocolate splodge. I would have blended it with a little yoghurt to make it smoother and easier to squeeze out (good quality food bag with a corner snipped off) but I didn’t have any.

It’s been a scorching hot weekend here. (I had to put the flapjacks in the fridge to set the drizzle!)

So that leads me to the next subject: sunshine.

Somehow The Sweaty Knitter (go there if you want to investigate the name) decided that little ole rambling me should be awarded the Sunshine Blogger Award.

‘The Sunshine Award is awarded to bloggers whose positivity and creativity inspire others in the blogging world’.

I’m a rambling pessimist who blogs on a variety of ‘cheerful’ subjects such as chronic illness and mental health.

Are you as confused as me?!

Anyway, a huge thank you to The Sweaty Knitter. Because however sad you may claim it to be, oh you boring mature types, I rather like getting blog awards. There’s something nice about recognition. There’s a feeling of belonging too.

These are the questions:

What is your favourite colour?
What is your favourite animal?
What is your favourite non-alcoholic drink?
Do you prefer Facebook or Twitter?
What’s your passion?
What’s your favourite pattern?
Do you prefer giving or receiving presents?
What’s your favourite number?
What is your favourite day of the week?
What is your favourite flower?

These are my answers:

Purple
Manky
Iced tea or ginger and lemongrass cordial but I am happy with water
I may twitter all day but I don’t think my face is worthy of a book
Fairness
You’ll have to check on Ravelry! But I love symmetry and simple things.
Giving
Sixty Six
The one that goes best
Daisies and gerberas

Now I have to negotiate the minefield that is nominating (awarding) other blogs and I will give you a quick list:

The Laughing Housewife

No Poster Girl

Thanks for reading again. I hope that there’s sunshine and flapjacks in your lives too.

How My Garden Grows

Red Dinosaur Toy on White Background

As you all know, I’ve been growing my first crop of confidence. I planted a few seeds here and there, sometimes without even realising that they were going down and taking root. I don’t know if they’re ready yet for harvesting, metaphorical crops are like that, it’s always a bit difficult to tell with them. After all, metaphorical plants are in some ways less dependable than real plants, they don’t follow the seasons and they don’t grow at all the same rate. However, you can at least benefit from their fruit quicker, metaphorical plants may grow slowly but you reap their produce as soon as that seed goes down rather than having to wait months for the appropriate harvest season.

I’m seeing the fruits of this confidence crop already. Sometimes I don’t really notice it, sometimes it takes me by surprise. In fact, sometimes I surprise myself.

Admittedly this year hasn’t been the year that I thought it would be. I had thought that this might just be the year that it all turned around. I thought that this would be the year that things moved forward. I thought that this year would be positive.

It hasn’t been.

So far.

(You see that little sentence? Just two little words but it says something far more than just that).

It’s been hard, very hard at times. Actually, unbelievably hard. Life still has a few more curve balls up its sleeve it seems.

Yet I go on.

I don’t know how.

Some days I don’t even know why.

But those little plants are taking firmer hold in me, rooting themselves in deep.

Despite everything, I keep moving forward.

It might be miniscule steps, barely noticeable to the outside world, but I am.

I’m standing up for myself.

I’m resting when I need to.

I’m taking it one day at a time, making up the rules as I go.

Small things, small steps.

I’ve cleared out my inbox, deleted all the ancient subscriptions that clutter up my electronic life, being proactive, moving on.

I changed doctor’s. (My philosophy has always been better the er doctor you know).

I’m taking my medicines.

I got a referral for ‘psychological therapies’. (That’s counselling to you and me).

I got a plumber in to fit the new toilet. (You have no idea how ecstatic having a new sanitary fitting can make a person, it means hope people, hope, I barely remember it).

Small things, small steps.

And the most magical, crazy thing?

I dare to dream.

Yes, I have dreams.

Once more, after many years.

It means that I can see a future.

(Or chinks of it anyhow).

It means that I believe in myself.

(Just a little, sometimes, at least).

Thank you so much.

Thank you for reading my sometimes very long and very nutty posts.

Thank you for being there, giving me feedback, for being another ‘voice’ in the mental dark to guide me and balance me.

Thank you for critiquing my work and for helping me improve.

Thank you so much.

I may stumble, I may fall but in teensy baby steps, I will go on.

Even when I don’t know how, I know I will now have these dreams to guide me on and to motivate me.

Thank you.

If you have any suggestions to improve my blog (either design or content) or would like to see more of a particular type of post then please let me know. As always, if you spot a mistake (grammar, typing, whatever) in a post, please say! The brain fog doesn’t exactly help my proofreading skills unfortunately. (Well, I’ll blame that anyhow!) I’m also going to need some help with a few of my dreams so I’ll be letting you know about those as I go. Thank you everyone.

And the dinosaur photo? Well, why not?!

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Wordless Manky

Manky is probably the most photographed blue tit in the world, ever. But hey, at least he/she/it’s cute!

(I’m experimenting with a new (to me, at the very least!) feature. You can click on a photo to view it in a ‘carousel’ where you should be able to comment and ‘like’ each photo individually. Well, that’s the idea anyhow. Feedback welcome!)