Want to Come on Another Jaunt?

I can’t believe that this was three months ago already, this week we’re going back to the hospital for another check up.  The appointment is, of course, not mine, I’m just the navigator.  But I’ve got to meet and make friends with two lovely people, friends of a good friend of mine, and we had a lovely day out at the same time.  (My good friend is the driver.  It does take four adults to go to a hospital appointment).

It was a city that we’d never visited before, Portsmouth, but my good friend is always one for an adventure and an explore so this is our wander on a bitterly cold winter’s afternoon:

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A Domestic Month

Snow in the Dark I

It’s hard to believe that we’re half way through February, the second month of the year.  I am still trying to come to terms with the fact that it’s January 2013.  The weeks have flown past and I have been busy but again I’m bursting my own bubbles and believing that I haven’t really accomplished anything.

It’s funny how I always do that to myself.  I’m the biggest cheerleader going (minus ridiculously tiny clothes and gymnastic ability) for everyone else but I always knock myself down.  It’s never enough.  I always expect more, better from myself.  Why?

I still don’t know.

I set myself from goals for January and I didn’t really make them.  When I have been busy with other commitments then I’ve mostly been busy being Tired.  It’s been a month where honesty with myself has been challenging, in lots of ways, especially when I comes to owning up and being entirely realistic about my health.  My health isn’t good.  It isn’t good when I ignore it but when I choose to be aware, conscious and self-sympathetic, it can be a somewhat tough reality check.  For someone who has never understood the idea of doing just one thing at a time, being able to sit (and even lie down) with nothing doing is a little worrying, disturbing.

I have been too tired to knit.

That makes me miserable.

Knitting is how I express myself.

Knitting is how I enjoy myself.

Knitting is where I get material for blog posts.

No knitting.

Just too tired to work the needles, lift the yarn, never mind attempting to follow patterns.

I can count even worse when I am tired.

So I’m behind on the first goals of the year.

Have I failed?

I really don’t know.

I’ve done other things.

Made progress in other areas.

Does that compensate?

And I’ve been baking.

And in some ways, I’ve been find ‘me’ in that area too.

Or instead?

One of the first things that I tried this year was a friend’s coconut cake.

She made it for a day out a couple of months back and I was smitten.

Or smote?

Anyway, I should perhaps declare here that I don’t like coconut.

Or coconut doesn’t like me.

As coconut-loving husband didn’t come with us, he missed out.  So I decided I’d make one for us at home.

It was also covered in buttercream.

I need to say something about buttercream too.

I hate buttercream.

Always have.

I only occasionally met buttercream when I was a child and the whole not-mixed connection of lumpy, greasy butter and coarse, gritty sugar never did anything for me.

Husband has never met a bad buttercream in his life.

He can’t understand my surprise that buttercream can actually be quite good.

I now have a ‘thing’ for buttercream.

The recipe was sent through by email and I started making it up.

I got to nearly the end when I met the direction to ‘add the milk’.

No was there no milk in the ingredients.

Hmm.

I added a guestimated amount of milk, bearing vague memories of lemon drizzle cake in mind.

It didn’t turn out badly after all.

Possibly I added too much milk, but I only found out when friend kindly, and very eventually, sent through the correct measurement.  It didn’t come out too badly or soggy.

It was then smothered in buttercream.

Mmm.

Husband doesn’t think it tastes of coconut.

I don’t how he could come to that conclusion.

Coconut Cake w Buttercream

You can even see the decimated coconut in the photo!

Ah well.

Because I don’t get on with coconut, I rarely use any in baking.

I seem to have had a little bit of a coconut spree this month.

Because next up was Australian Crunch.

Another friend gave me the recipe.

It is much coveted as it something of a local culinary institution.

(I don’t think the Australians know anything about it, actually).

It’s a schooldays delicacy.

A frugal recipe that probably was adopted simply because you just chuck everything in a bowl and mix, because it uses up all sorts of odds and ends and as I said, it only requires cheap, basic store cupboard ingredients.  (Apart from coconut.  It’s getting hard to find decimated coconut in the supermarkets now that I actually want some!)

My middle school made it.

My husband’s school in this town didn’t.  He had never heard of it and really couldn’t get what the fuss was about.

However one of the other secondary schools in town did do it and several friends who attended that school, about the same time, are complete fans/addicts of the stuff.  Another friend who went to the third secondary school in town, about twenty years before, also remembers it very fondly, served with mint custard.  I know of another school, not too far away, that also made Australian Crunch.

To give you an idea of how desirable a foodstuff this is, I’ll tell you a story, a true story.

Some of the local bakeries have cottoned on to the fact that making and selling Australian Crunch would make them extremely popular with their customers.  I have friend who knows exactly which bakeries do it and what she thinks of them.

The other day, we were out together and stopped for her to buy a snack.  Faced with an entire panoply of freshly baked goodies, she chose Australian Crunch.  And before eating it, she photographed it with her mobile phone (isn’t technology great?!) and sent the photo to another Australian Crunch fan/addict.  I believe that the accompanying message was something along the lines of:  Naha, I have Australian Crunch and you don’t.

(We’re all highly mature adults round here).

My friend who gave me the recipe didn’t grow up round here so was oblivious to the status of the recipe she’d acquired.  She couldn’t quite understand why I was so excited to be given a copy!

Making Australian Crunch makes you very, very popular.

One of my other friends, a cake-hater and who thinks that my brownies are ridiculously rich and inedible  actually ended up having three pieces of it.  We couldn’t believe it.

Like some of the best things in life, it isn’t entirely photogenic.

Australian Crunch Abstract

But it’s good stuff.  Really good stuff.

Oh, and husband is now a fan/addict.

I made a second (double-sized!) batch shortly afterwards to fulfill demand.

There have been other culinary highlights.

These strawberries:

Strawberry of the Year

They were the best we’ve had all year.  It wasn’t a good summer for soft fruit.  And these were reduced too.

There is something unbelievable gorgeous about a sun-ripened, firm-fleshed, fruity, meaty strawberry.

I made red velvet cake.

From a packet, admittedly.

But, hey, honesty and realism do allow for ‘cheating’ now and then.

I honestly have tried to make it from scratch before but English food colouring and beetroots (even combined) failed utterly.

(If anyone has a decent recipe for an English version, please let me know!)

Red Velvet Cake Slice

And made cream cheese frosting to put on the top.

And thus started another ‘thing’.

Mmm Cream Cheese Frosting

(Baking Tip:  Always straighten up the edges of your cake, this will give you morsels to ‘test’ your frosting or icing with).

Because I’d made quite a big batch of frosting, I had to make a chocolate cake to use it up.

And discovered that my friends also have a ‘thing’ for cream cheese frosting, quite a serious ‘thing’.

(Oh and if you want to have a whale of an evening out, have one of those occasions where everything doesn’t go to plan, end up going out for impromptu meal then finish up by eating chocolate cake (with cream cheese frosting, naturally) in the car in a dark car park, cutting it up with a penknife.  (No guesses who has a penknife on them!)  To add to the entertainment stakes, the frosted cake needs to have be turned upside at some point so it looks something like a crash now).

This is the second chocolate cake:

Second Chocolate Cake

We wisely put two layers of frosting inside the cake and put a thin layer of melted chocolate on top.

(I hate it when there’s like an inch of chocolate on the top of a cake, it’s nearly impossible to cut through and then completely shatters when you finally force the knife blade through).

Oh, and some tinned cherries and cherry jam in the middle too.

However, because this could only happen in my world, our world, the chocolate was setting faster than we could spread it.  (It didn’t feel that cold but apparently the chocolate did).  So what do us little geniuses do to remedy the problem?  Hairdryer.  Hairdryer, my friends, is the baker’s best friend.

Enough said.

Anyway, in case you come to the unhealthy (and inaccurate) conclusion that we only ate cake in January (there was a lemon drizzle too, at another point), I’d like to share with you another first.

My first homemade soup!

(I know, it’s utterly shocking and scandalous that I could have got to this old age without ever having made soup).

Do you remember those chillies we grew?

The ones that were never jalapeño after all and so didn’t grow quite as big as expected?

Well, they pack quite a punch.

We’re having to use them carefully and sparingly.

I garlic-pressed two wee chillies into my giant (I’ve been living on it for the last week!) soup batch.  Most of the skin was left behind.  And it didn’t taste too spicy.

Not then anyway.

It’s definitely ‘infused’ since.

It sneaks up on you.

And then kicks.

Homemade Soup

But what else can a girl do when life hands her a humongous butternut squash?

(By the way, husband is refusing to eat it.  Why?  Because sweet-toothed husband thinks it’s too sweet.  No, I don’t get that either).

Ah well.

That’s life.

Snow in the Dark II

Real Friends …

… ask you to the beach.

… tell you that you don’t need to bring your deckchair because they have one in the boot that you can use.  (Even though everyone else is sitting on picnic blankets on the floor).

… tell you to bring both sticks.  You ask how they know that you have two sticks because you only have ever use just the one.  They think that they’ve seen you use two before but it doesn’t matter, just bring both because you’re gonna need them.

… warn you that there’s a steep hill and steps (especially on the way back) but you all agree that it’s worth it.

… pick you up.

… let you knit in their car all the way there.

… offer to carry your bags, if you’d like.

… let you walk at your pace, however shamefully slow that might be.

… aren’t worried when you get the camera out to take some pictures.

… carry your hat so you have both hands free to hold your sticks (it’s windy).

… believe you when you say you’d rather scale the cliff on the rocks and grass than try the steps.  (I don’t do steps).

… bring you here:

Durdle Door Beach

… let you sit in your lone deckchair and knit all the time that we’re there.

That’s good friends.

Cliff Paths

(I don’t know those people, they were just in my frame).

They

… don’t worry when you go back up the hill at even more shamefully slow pace (I think snails were overtaking me).

… don’t get funny when you stop to breathe every now and then.  (Snails definitely breathe easier).

… don’t get cheesed off when, despite the fact that you’re the slowest (by miles) member of the party, you stop to take a few photos.

I like friends like these.

I like places like this.

Man of War Cove

Walking Back from Cove

And yes, I did make it back up that ‘hill’.  Eventually.  I have the photos to prove it.  But thank goodness for ‘four wheel drive’.

Walking Back the Very Long Hill

PS.  It’s absolutely ridiculous that I have never, ever, ever been here before.  People come from all over the world just to see this beach and I’ve grown up not too far away from it and have never seen it for myself.  Something ticked off anyway.

Durdle Door

Weekly Photo Challenge: Together

For my first foray into the world of photo prompts, I’m cheating.  I’m using an old photo because it just says it so well.  Well, I think it does anyway.  So apologies if you just think it’s just not cricket but at least I’m trying.  (Very trying, my husband would say).

Together

Donkey Love - Two Donkeys 'Hugging'

Together.  It’s a beautiful thing.

It means love and laughter.

It means someone’s got your back whilst they’re at your side.

It means having someone to share with.

It means someone for the good times and the bad times.

It means having someone you can trust.

It means a problem halved.

Together.  It’s a beautiful thing.

~

“If ever there is tomorrow when we’re not together… there is something you must always remember. you are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think. But the most important thing is, even if we’re apart… I’ll always be with you.”

- A A Milne

Apologies and an ABC

I’ve been very quiet the last week or so I know.  Sometimes the real world clamours for attention too!  Sometimes you just have a bad week where there’s nothing creative simmering in your beleaguered brain cells.  (I think I have a few of those, honestly).  Sometimes you just have a bad week where you feel rotten in one way or another and retreat to the safety of your duvet.  (I think all three were applicable last week).

But out of all that rotten-ness?  Something amazing.  Like the proverbial honey.  In fact I did something amazing, although totally scary, I spoke up, told someone how I was feeling.  I’ve never, ever, ever done that before.  And I wasn’t judged.  But I did finally realise how exhausting it is living with the fear and threat of judgement all the time.  I realised that I am surrounded by some totally wonderful friends who I can trust and as a mark of appreciation, I spent Saturday making muffins for them all.  (I do that).

So I’m back and I don’t think I’m going to whinge anymore because I have another pressing matter to deal with.  In my absence, Celia of the Kitchens Garden blog (always prefixed with ‘lovely’ wherever you find her mentioned on another blog) awarded me an award!  I got a very immature, teenage-like thrill from this.  It’s like I’m ‘cool’ or ‘in’ or something!  (So sad, I know!)  The award is the ABC award which stands for Awesome Blog Content.  Now I would contend this anyway but the last post I wrote is the throwing up one so I’m not entirely sure about it at all!

ABC Award (Awesome Blog Content)

I’m very anxious about following the proper protocol for this so if I do get something a little wrong, please be kind!

Apparently first of all I have to thank the (lovely) Celia for honouring me with such an award.  And possibly I need to promise her and you some better content shortly too!

Then I have to nominate some other bloggers for the award whose work who you may wish to visit, this is the hardest part I think because there are so many amazing writers out there and I don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings so here is just a sampling 0f some of my favourites for content:

  • Susan B Anderson who is a very accomplished knitter, amongst other incredible talents, and she inspires me regularly to try new techniques, to learn and expand, to be more confident with my skills;
  • Over at My Pajamas Days, I receive yet more inspiration but this time in terms of living life to the full, despite the towns, and amazing writing which is real, honest and beautiful;
  • Then Uprooted Magnolia always has a stunning image, or two, to share and makes me homesick for a place where I’ve never lived, the American West;
  • The one-of-a-kind Jester Queen I know will be thrilled to receive a nice, shiny award and her blog is chock full of fiction and humour.

(If you’re on the list and it isn’t your cup of tea then don’t worry, no one is going to get stuffy about it, it’s just a bit of fun with voluntary participation!)

Then I get to victimise you with my own alphabet of me, the idea of which is that you get to know me a little better (but that’s rather a haughty presumption that any of you’d be interested in getting to know me) so I’m going to get creative.  My alphabet will follow in a separate post because yet again I’m going to be a little verbose, it’s the getting started that I struggle with after all!

Real Friends Don’t

Real friends don’t just stick around for the good times.

Real friends don’t just call you when they want something.

Real friends don’t get embarrassed about being seen with you.

Real friends don’t help then complain about how much you put them out.

Real friends don’t wait for you to call them.

Real friends don’t just hang around with you when there’s nothing better on offer.

Real friends don’t criticise you for who you are or what you believe in.

Real friends don’t laugh at you.

Real friends don’t gossip about you.

Real friends don’t stab you in the back.

Real friends don’t turn their noses up at where you live.

Real friends don’t turn up an hour late to a dinner invite then hurry away as soon as possible.

Real friends don’t not believe in you.

Real friends don’t complain about the state of the house, they know what you’ve been going through.

Real friends don’t forget what your favourite chocolate is.

Real friends don’t forget what you’re going or been through.

Real friends don’t value your gifts only by their material worth.

Real friends don’t get snooty about handmade gifts because they appreciate the effort and your talents.

Real friends don’t forget to invite you too.

Real friends don’t insist that you change into someone else.

Real friends don’t criticise even if they care, they advice and counsel and love you all the same.

Real friends don’t tell you that your illness is imaginary.

Real friends don’t expect you to do the things you can’t afford.

Real friends don’t get embarrassed about trading store cupboard food.

Real friends don’t just say, they do.

Real friends don’t forget that you have feelings too.

Real friends don’t drop you as soon as you get ill.

Real friends don’t put you down constantly.

Real friends don’t expect you to maintain a certain lifestyle.

Real friends don’t just take, they give.

Coming Out

It’s funny how we ‘hide’ certain aspects of our personalities or certain of our likes or dislikes in order to gain the acceptance of our circle of society.  We like to blend in and sometimes we place too much importance of being the ‘same’, choosing to suppress and deny the elements of ourselves that we feel aren’t going to make us more popular or acceptable.   We always talk about peer pressure in terms of teenagers but the reality is that adults are just as bad.  Too many of us will do anything to be ‘accepted’, we want to morph ourselves into clones of whatever social niche we’re trying to burrow into.  However this behaviour is rather shallow, sad and pointless.  To thine ownself be true.  And what good or value are ‘friends’ who won’t accept us for who we truly are?

After all we’re not talking about big fry.  Admittedly some of us may well have true skeletons in our cupboards, but most of the time they seem to do with some embarrassing incident from way back when rather than anything illegal or criminal.  We’re talking about the quirks that make us all the gloriously individual people that we are.  A liking for ballet or opera may not be ‘cool’ in some circles but is it really something to be mortified about and hide?  A preference for some inferior cheap plonk or a cheesy film?  Of course there are some more serious things, maybe a health condition.  Do we pretend that such issues don’t exist just to make it easier for those around us to accept us?

I’m proud to be a unique individual.  I value friendships but I’ll not do anything to fit into some particular circle.  I preach honesty and openness.  But there are things that I don’t talk about …

I keep quiet about my health, keep it under wraps and cover for my symptoms so that I often seem fit and well, able to join in with whatever’s going on.  Most of my friends don’t even realise that I’m ill.  I’m worried about being judged, I’m worried about missing out.  I definitely don’t want to make life hard for others either.

I have ME.  I’ve had it half my life now.  It’s something I’ve lived with all my adult life.  I keep it quiet because that’s how I was taught to deal with it, don’t make a fuss.  I guess also that because it’s one of those ‘invisible’ conditions it’s hard for people to deal with and people have lots of misconceptions and prejudices, like it’s something made up and I just need to pull myself together.

I have depression.  I’ve had it pretty much most of my life, at least two thirds of it.  My family still doesn’t seem to recognise or accept that I suffer with it (not my husband, he’s a brick).  As a result I wasn’t diagnosed for years and it was certainly something I wasn’t encouraged to talk about.  So I don’t.  I keep quiet and muddle through.

Those are my two skeletons.

The Loss of a Friend

Watching - Man with Umbrella on Stormy Beach

Losing a friend is one of life’s greatest tragedies.  Maybe you knew it was coming, maybe it came as a complete shock.  Maybe you got to say goodbye and all those other things you just had to say, maybe you didn’t.  Maybe you were there at the end, maybe you weren’t.

Dealing with that loss is one of the hardest things in life.  But they say life does go on, they say that time is a great healer.  Maybe there is truth in those words.  The pain will slowly ease, like any wound.  Even if it leaves a scar.  And yes, you have had to go on with your life; there are other people who need you, other responsibilities that you must take care of.  But sometimes it truly feels as though life will never be the same again.

You see something on the television or in the news and you instantly think, oh I must tell so and so.  But you can’t.

Someone sends you something funny in an email and you instantly think, oh so and so will love this and you want to send it to them.  But you can’t.

Something great and amazing happens in your life and the first person you want to tell is them.  But you can’t.

Something goes wrong and you want to say, I told you so!  But you can’t.

You break something precious that they had given you.  You’re heartbroken and want to tell them.  But you can’t.

The seasons turn and you want to go to the beach or mess around in the snow with them.  But you can’t.

You get to go to a dream place and you want to share it with them or at least tell them all about it.  But you can’t.

Their favourite singer releases a new track and you want to know what they think of it.  But you can’t.

You find those photos that you’ve been looking for for ages and you want to show them.  But you can’t.

You find your feet automatically turning up their path on the way home as you go to visit them as usual.  But you can’t.

You think of going somewhere, a restaurant or a park or wherever, but it’s their favourite place.  So you can’t.

When you make plans for the future, you want them to be in those plans, you want to tell them all about it.  But you can’t.

Maybe time does heal, maybe it does get easier as the weeks, months and years pass.  In the meantime you have to live with that broken heart that no plaster will heal.  And even when you have ‘moved on’, when you are coping well, one of these little thoughts will come unbidden and that hole will be torn open all over again.

How to Be a Good Friend

There are three gifts that you can give if you want to be a good friend, a true friend.  You can only be a good friend when you are prepared to share these gifts generously and willingly.

The first gift is: LOVE.

The second gift is: TIME.

The third gift is: YOUR EARS.

If you are a true friend and your friend is true then you will never regret giving these.  You will be repaid by the happiness and security of a friendship that makes life all the better.

Thanks to all those who are true friends to me and I hope that I may always be a true friend to you.