I’ve been thinking, I do do that, you know. Random, profound thoughts that strike me at odd moments, fleeting moments of insight or inspiration that disappear faster than invisible ink and I never seem able to recall them. Mostly I’ve been thinking about life, my life, past, present and future. Don’t worry this isn’t going to be another whiny post, I’m sorry about those but hey, this blog is about my life and thoughts so you’re going to hear all about that if you visit. (I wouldn’t like to say that this blog is all about me, that sounds a little too hedonistic, big headed but there is something inherently self-centred about a personal blog and I’m sure that you realise that). Besides whatever the medium when something bad happens, we humans do feel the need to talk about it, to discuss it and mull over. I don’t even think that we do it for the sympathy, I think it’s more about getting something out there, off our chests and away a lot of the time. Anyway, that’s enough off-subject rambling so I’ll try to come back to my subject now.
I want to go on the swings.
That’s what I’ve concluded.
Don’t you love that feeling of freedom and peace that you have when you’re sailing through the air on a plank seat and kicking your heels back? It’s joyous, pure joy. Add in some sunshine, a soft breeze, some greenery, wow, that’s positively magical.
But I haven’t been living my life like that. I haven’t. I’d describe myself as quite irrepresible, someone who runs around with the children, climbing the climbing frames, sliding down slides, swinging on the swings. That’s who I am. Or is it? I think that instead it is my ideal. Or maybe that should be idyll, I’m not sure. But I do know that I’m not like that at the moment.
The bad patches always take me by surprise, as if they’d sneaked up on me out of nowhere. However if I take the time to reflect then I see that the signs were always there. This whole past year has been rough, if I see myself in mental snapshots then it’s me holding myself back, sore and too tired or about to be sore and not wanting to risk being too tired. No, if I’m even more honest, it goes back further. You know we’ve had some rough times over the last few years. I’ve been desperately trying to hold myself together all that time, terrified of what the tomorrow might bring in terms of my own health. I haven’t had the time or strength to allow myself to be ill. I switched to energy saving mode and struggled on through, trying to spare myself whenever I could and always waiting for the Big One.
At the moment, I am tired by anything and everything. Sounds, lights, feelings, movement. It’s all exhausting and sometimes it’s just like sensory overload. But before I was still avoiding all those things, worried about the consequences and trying to eke out whatever energy I did have. Because of course I don’t feel the ‘tiredness’ straight away, it catches up with me days later when it’s too late. So you learn caution, you brace yourself and live almost in fear.
That’s not really living though. It’s an exercise in survival. You’re just doing the sheer basics of what is necessary to get through each day and there’s very little joy or pleasure, it is just survival.
You lose yourself along the way though.
And you still end up crashing.
So what’s the point?
I don’t know. Survival, I guess. Well, I’ve survived. So far. I don’t know what the future holds but I do want to change my attitude.
I want to live, I want to enjoy life.
I want to go on the swings.