My Heart in Spring

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Spring Light and Leaves

~ Trigger Alert ~

I’ve written about Spring before, mentioned it in other posts but I can’t help returning to the subject again.  Well it does come around at least once a year, after all, and this year we’re having several attempts at it, or so it seems.  Maybe it is my favourite season but I haven’t really thought of it like that, I don’t play favourites, however my moods do rise and fall with the weather, well to some extent as well as to their own particular vagaries too.  A little more sunshine, a little more warmth and the world feels like a better place.  Or at least a place that I can deal with or face up to better.

This is what Spring does to me and my heart.

Spring encourages a curious, and, in my case, an unusual, strain of optimism.  Spring can feel like new beginnings however much you’re dreading the rest of the year.  Spring brings hope whatever the circumstances.  Spring sends my spirits soaring.  Spring makes my heart beat a little faster.

That is what Spring does to me and my heart.

But there is another side to Spring.

Spring, like all the seasons, is a milestone, a marker in the year for various anniversaries.  There are things that I try to keep hidden from my conscious self, things that aren’t filed neatly in the filing cabinet of the mind ready for recall  (my mind’s not like that anyway, as you might have suspected) but tossed hurriedly from sight, pushed away on dusty shelves in an attempt to forget.  Thoughts and memories that I would rather remain unbidden.  As the temperatures rise and the sun shines strong again, these are the things that start to gnaw away at my mind and heart.  My heart beats a little quicker in Spring, not because of anticipation, but because of anxiety.  I am lost and hurt and afraid and broken all over again.  My heart  aches without really knowing why until unwillingly I do some mental arithmetic.  I make the effort to forget but it still surfaces, my hearts know the dates better than any diary.

This is what Spring does to me and my heart.

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