How My Garden Grows

Red Dinosaur Toy on White Background

As you all know, I’ve been growing my first crop of confidence.  I planted a few seeds here and there, sometimes without even realising that they were going down and taking root.  I don’t know if they’re ready yet for harvesting, metaphorical crops are like that, it’s always a bit difficult to tell with them.  After all, metaphorical plants are in some ways less dependable than real plants, they don’t follow the seasons and they don’t grow at all the same rate.  However, you can at least benefit from their fruit quicker, metaphorical plants may grow slowly but you reap their produce as soon as that seed goes down rather than having to wait months for the appropriate harvest season.

I’m seeing the fruits of this confidence crop already.  Sometimes I don’t really notice it, sometimes it takes me by surprise.  In fact, sometimes I surprise myself.

Admittedly this year hasn’t been the year that I thought it would be.  I had thought that this might just be the year that it all turned around.  I thought that this would be the year that things moved forward.  I thought that this year would be positive.

It hasn’t been.

So far.

(You see that little sentence?  Just two little words but it says something far more than just that).

It’s been hard, very hard at times.  Actually, unbelievably hard.  Life still has a few more curve balls up its sleeve it seems.

Yet I go on.

I don’t know how.

Some days I don’t even know why.

But those little plants are taking firmer hold in me, rooting themselves in deep.

Despite everything, I keep moving forward.

It might be miniscule steps, barely noticeable to the outside world, but I am.

I’m standing up for myself.

I’m resting when I need to.

I’m taking it one day at a time, making up the rules as I go.

Small things, small steps.

I’ve cleared out my inbox, deleted all the ancient subscriptions that clutter up my electronic life, being proactive, moving on.

I changed doctor’s.  (My philosophy has always been better the er doctor you know).

I’m taking my medicines.

I got a referral for ‘psychological therapies’.  (That’s counselling to you and me).

I got a plumber in to fit the new toilet.  (You have no idea how ecstatic having a new sanitary fitting can make a person, it means hope people, hope, I barely remember it).

Small things, small steps.

And the most magical, crazy thing?

I dare to dream.

Yes, I have dreams.

Once more, after many years.

It means that I can see a future.

(Or chinks of it anyhow).

It means that I believe in myself.

(Just a little, sometimes, at least).

Thank you so much.

Thank you for reading my sometimes very long and very nutty posts.

Thank you for being there, giving me feedback, for being another ‘voice’ in the mental dark to guide me and balance me.

Thank you for critiquing my work and for helping me improve.

Thank you so much.

I may stumble, I may fall but in teensy baby steps, I will go on.

Even when I don’t know how, I know I will now have these dreams to guide me on and to motivate me.

Thank you.

If you have any suggestions to improve my blog (either design or content) or would like to see more of a particular type of post then please let me know.   As always, if you spot a mistake (grammar, typing, whatever) in a post, please say!  The brain fog doesn’t exactly help my proofreading skills unfortunately.  (Well, I’ll blame that anyhow!)  I’m also going to need some help with a few of my dreams so I’ll be letting you know about those as I go.  Thank you everyone.

And the dinosaur photo?  Well, why not?!

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8 thoughts on “How My Garden Grows

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  1. IE, what a wonderful post :-) Blogging is the very best of therapy, I alway think. And while you have expressed it so beautifully here today, my heart goes with the small plastic triceratops in the picture. Anyone who posts that picture must be a top-class, A1 blogger in my book.

    All the best with the rest of the year. May it hold some nice surprises.

    1. Thank you Kate, I appreciate it. The dinosaur-mad husband says it’s a something else with a frill not horns, I’d spell it if I could but it did begin with S. Always learning here! :)

I'd love to know what you think, concrit is especially welcomed on fiction pieces. Thank you.

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