Looking back, I’m not entirely sure if I ever really enjoyed the seesaw; it was probably the biggest ‘thrill’ ride of the playground (those rusty, heavy roundabouts required a strong and enthusiastic being to go anything faster than a revolving display unit) but I’ve never been one for thrills. (Or frills, for that matter). There wasn’t much grace or control to the seesaw, you were dependant on either the steadying force of an adult or the out-of-control competition that spiralled as soon as you were placed opposite your sibling. What was the point of the seesaw? To see how high you could go (with a bump)? Or to see how hard you could hit the ground, or get the other person to (with an even harder bump)?
It seems that balance has long been a theme in my life, or perhaps, more accurately, an issue. And like being on that seesaw, it can often feel like someone else, something else, but definitely not me, is in control. Do you hit the ground with a clunk and jar or are you left stranded high in the air? And are the only choices the one or the other? Can you balance?
My life often feels like I’m riding that seesaw. Or is ‘riding’ too active? Because it doesn’t feel like I’m in control, I’m just sitting on it, unable to get off, getting bumped by one extreme or another.
I hate that.
I’ve been struggling. I’ve not been as well as I’d have liked. Then there was a crazy episode of Anxiety with a capital A. There’s been all sorts of other hiccups and stresses but it doesn’t ever seem to be getting any better. I want improvement. I want things to be better. It’s hard living, surviving, between one crisis and another, getting bumped and jarred, lurching between one disaster and another.
I want to get down.