It’s two in the morning and all I want to do is get out, go for a walk, find fresh air. I want to clear my head, try to make sense of what I am feeling. But I’m not feeling anything; I am numb and empty. And my body is too weak to go anywhere. I just lie here, hoping that this too will pass. I don’t even have the strength to hope. I just lie here and wait. Sometimes tears escape my eyes then they backfill, stinging. I have no strength for this pain. I feel nothing; just suspended in time. Lonely, disconnected from everything around me. Some things never change. I am lost. I am broken. And too afraid to feel. I will be ripped open and there’s already nothing left of me as it is. I am broken. I cannot be mended. And my body has given out, given up. I don’t know which. The pains, they never leave me alone. I grieve. I have my slumps. But this feels like some deeper monster about to burst forth. And I’m scared. I want to be done with all that. I am broken enough already. And if I cry, who will stop the tears for me? I can’t. I don’t want to be brave and I have to be if I go outside so I will just lie here with my pain and weep. I don’t have the strength to fight it or to make sense of it or anything. There are too many exhaustions. The night is very dark. But there will be a morning. One day.