It’s two in the morning and all I want to do is get out, go for a walk, find fresh air.  I want to clear my head, try to make sense of what I am feeling.  But I’m not feeling anything;  I am numb and empty.  And my body is too weak to go anywhere.  I just lie here, hoping that this too will pass.  I don’t even have the strength to hope.  I just lie here and wait.  Sometimes tears escape my eyes then they backfill, stinging.  I have no strength for this pain.  I feel nothing; just suspended in time.  Lonely, disconnected from everything around me.  Some things never change.  I am lost.  I am broken.  And too afraid to feel.  I will be ripped open and there’s already nothing left of me as it is.  I am broken.  I cannot be mended.  And my body has given out, given up.  I don’t know which.  The pains, they never leave me alone.  I grieve.  I have my slumps.  But this feels like some deeper monster about to burst forth.  And I’m scared.  I want to be done with all that.  I am broken enough already.  And if I cry, who will stop the tears for me?  I can’t.  I don’t want to be brave and I have to be if I go outside so I will just lie here with my pain and weep.  I don’t have the strength to fight it or to make sense of it or anything.  There are too many exhaustions.  The night is very dark.  But there will be a morning.  One day.


8 thoughts on “Pieces

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  1. The ‘like’ was for solidarity…I do hope all is ok with you and that this break over the festive season has been full of small moments you might call happy. All the best, IE. For now and the coming year xxx

  2. I hate what you’re going through. If it’s any comfort, know that the things you post here help me respond appropriately to my niece with the chronic illness (POTS). Even when I’m running flat out and don’t get a chance to respond, I always read, and I always learn.

  3. Do you remember this? (From “The Box Under My Bed” at DMDS): ” . . .what people with chronic illnesses really need to know is that someone is thinking of them; that somebody cares and that they haven’t been forgotten.”

    Well, it’s true because I think of you, and it helps me, and my friend Charlie too. I tell you this across the dark in case you doubt the importance of your writings. Keep sending messages to the world.! They inspire generosity, courage, and compassion.

    You may not feel that way tonight, but I do as I read your blog. Besides, feelings aren’t virtues. Patience is. And hope, often hidden by circumstances. But enough with the instruction. Just wanted to say a respectful and encouraging “Hi.”

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