The Requirements for a Skirt

Sometimes we know what we’re looking for but often we don’t have the words to describe it.  Looking for clothes on the Internet kind of forces you to find those words.  Which is how and when I realised that I have ridiculously complicated requirements for something as presumably simple as a skirt.  But I don’t know why that’s a surprise.  Complicated and me seem to have a close relationship.  Brain fog being what it is, I decided to write it all down.  In case I forget what I actually like or need.  Although it’s not always a case of ‘forget’ per se but more a case of getting desperate and feeling forced to take the first thing that comes along.

 

  • It needs to fit (if you have any idea what size I am, props to you, but you try getting a manufacturer to agree with you)
  • It has to be 100% natural fibre (this usually translates as cotton; most ‘linen’ is actually viscose); absolutely no elastane/lycra for a good half a dozen reasons
  • It needs to flare from the waist not the hip or lower – definitely no fishtails! (This includes any godets)
  • Elasticated waists will have to be removed; this will affect the length and fit
  • No tiering as the inside seams burn my skin – and my hips need no extra defining
  • No horizontal banding in the print; I’m not straight enough and this just emphasises it
  • Nothing cut on the bias; I have enough of my own shaping (watch out for skirts with diagonally-fitted piecing, there’s a LOT of those) and I find this restricts movement
  • I don’t like anything close-fitting because a) I have issues and part of me wants to cover myself up and hide out in something tent-like and b) Mongrel Beast has issues, things like allodynia and skin reactions
  • I love full circle skirts but Mongrel Beast hates them because they weigh so heavily from the waist
  • I wear ankle/floor length skirts and no higher; except ‘short’ skirts that come to the top of my knee-high boots in the winter
  • Chunky waistbands (almost cumberbund in style) don’t sit well on me and Mongrel Beast certainly doesn’t appreciate them; wide hipster waistbands look hideous on me
  • Mongrel Beast likes a loose, light waistband – getting a balance between dangerously baggy and fitting flatteringly is difficult
  • Mongrel Beast likes ‘light’ skirts – ie too thin and breezy to be comfortable in the prevailing local weather conditions
  • I don’t appreciate bling on my skirts
  • I don’t do see-through (which, in my opinion at least, rules out white skirts)
  • Apparently, I can’t wear green… but I have five green skirts in my wardrobe
  • I prefer neutral tones or more muted shades in my skirts; turquoise and aqua, coral and orange, yellow and mustard are not ‘in my colour wheel’
  • I am suspicious of brown and phobic of navy blue
  • I don’t like big patterns and I don’t think they suit me at all … says the owner of a pink, purple and orange skirt
  • I am extremely dubious of the frayed look; I usually avoid anything ‘inside out’
  • Nothing so flimsy that it disintegrates when you look at it
  • Nothing clingy; I hate things that chase the back of my legs
  • Nothing that restricts my gait or ability to sit cross-legged
  • No slits
  • I can handle Indian-dyed and other handwash requirements; Mongrel Beast can’t (energy expenditure, standing, strength, cold water)

I'd love to know what you think, concrit is especially welcomed on fiction pieces. Thank you.

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